Tuesday, 20 January 2015

A message from Tim to me

I went for a walk yesterday evening with Tim.
I invited him along on my "lets march uphill, get this baby moving, and pray" hike.
As we pounded the pavement, we prayed. For baby to turn, for labour to start, for friendships for Tim..
Tim asked me, as we headed home "Mum what can I pray for you?". I reiterated my biggest hope.. that this baby boy will arrive asap, that he will get into a good labour decision, that I wont go over my due date. Etc.

And then as we walked, he began to preach to me a little lesson that cut to the core.
He reminded me, that life is a series of tests, of moments of learning to trust God. He likened life to going through valleys and mountains and how often we find ourselves at a cave door, something we didn't chose or want, but something we have to walk through. He talked to me about King David and Moses and the choices they made (and didnt make) to trust God and by the time he near finished I was just wanting to kneel on the pavement and say "okay God, I will trust you!".

I thanked him and kissed him goodnight and tried to sleep while quietly wrestling with the words he challenged me with. Each vigorous kick and wriggle junior made, reminded me how very out of control I am. And I spent a restless night falling between trust in the Lord and wondering how many ways I could attempt to bring on labour.

Morning soon arrived and we started the day super early at the chiropractor. I felt sure if anyone would be able to get baby to turn, it would be my chiro. He adjusted my stiff hip (instant relief) and together we mused how incredibly active this wee boy is, with his octopus limbs and unwillingness to stay still long enough to engage in any position that indicates an imminent arrival.

And as we left, I felt as deflated as they come.

All day my mind turned back to the little sermon Tim had preached me the night before. The decision I have to trust the Lord, or to fall into my emotions and weariness. Id like to say I managed it successfully today, but there were moments where I blinked back some tears and sighed.. and moments where I remembered who my Lord is.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills, whence does my help come from" Psalm 121.

How easy to fall victim to fear and despondency, when circumstance is not what we wanted.
How great to realise there is a God who is BIGGER than it all.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Musings at full term.

As I lay in bed asleep last night, I felt Sam reach over and tenderly hold my hand. Sweet man. I whispered to him "you okay?". His response? "um yeah". And I ask "Im keeping you awake?". "um yeah".
Im not sure why?..
I mean, he's only sleeping next to a woman with a bowling bowl/ heater wedged to her front, throwing off every blanket in sight and stealing every pillow in an attempt to somewhere wedge the weight just perfect ;)
I drift back to sleep till 3am when in kick thats pregnancy insomnia, a part of a woman's brain that says "I know you have to push out a baby sometime very soon, but lets get up and ya know, practise being awake"

So after getting up for a glass of cold milk, staring blankly into the fridge and deciding that I will once again eat what I always eat at that time.. a small bowl of greek yoghurt with some nuts and a few raisins scattered over the top (which despite being a ritual, I still ponder what I will eat!).. and then check the weather report with trepidation. What I want to see is rain cloud. Cloud cover. A temperature dip perhaps? Nope. High 20's for the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy, or however long this eternity of 'full term' lasts.

After a while, the cool night air convinces me it would be awesome to go into labour NOW and I sit with a few Braxton Hicks, willing them to turn into something more, ya know, painful. I pump myself for the task and take to the stairs to do some silent squats. By squat ten I think "um, nah, Im going back to bed". I wander back and lie on my left side (turn baby turn) and re arrange myself as tidily as I can, and try not to wake Sam up. I contemplate snuggling into him but junior is now kicking and likely to keep him awake.. so I lie there with my hand feeling every kick and feel emotional that Im going to miss this amazing miracle within. And that hey, being full term pregnant forever, is not so bad.

Then I play a little mental game with myself. "What things will I do tomorrow to distract myself, play with the kids and be a happy creative and patient waiting mummy?. I decide we will walk around the Mount and then have ice creams. Then I think about being half way around the Mount and labour kicking in and having to get some stranger to deliver the baby with no sterilised spot in sight. Maybe not.
So instead I decide that in the morning, in a more realistic head space, I will make a 'baby countdown calendar' with something every day to do thats fun with the kids... before concluding "who am I kidding, Nanny and Grandpa's pool is my happy place right now. We'll just stick to that".

Eventually after dreaming up some elaborate meal to cook for the following nights dinner (because these days Im ravenous and just want decent healthy food), sleep kicks in again. Come morning, Im woken up to a little hand (or 4) tenderly rubbing my head, whispering in my air quiet questions "mummy, can I have a biscuit for breakfast?" or "mummy, can I have a snuggle" or "mummy, would you like a coffee?"....

and I look at their blinking wee morning eyes, their sweet lil faces and tenderness and it hits me. ENJOY THE NOW. Because this, right here, is the brink of happy anticipation. Being a mummy, and about to become a mummy once more. All its aches, discomfort, fatigue, the whole lot... is building to the real end that once more, I will know Gods grace and favour more intimately as a new little life comes into the world. A life thats His, a life thats mine to gladly sacrifice for.

Dear Baby Boy. You are hugely anticipated. By all of us. I pray God graces me here now, and in the days to come, with a joy of waiting and a joy of fulfilment as you come into our lives and make us HUGELY RICHER just by being you.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

To my baby boy

Youre due in a few weeks. Apart from finding nights rather uncomfortable, Im content that you are still where you are.
Daddy asked me last night what its like when you have your body back.. and the truth is, its fantastic, and its a grief. For weeks afterwards I instinctively put my hand to my belly and realize there are no feet there to feel, no kicks to giggle at. Ive loved that most about this pregnancy. My hands have been glued to you, your form, your movements. Ive cuddled you a thousand times over from the outside in.
Im going to miss that as much as holding you in my arms is going to break the ache ten fold.

In every pregnancy Ive learnt something new. I was thinking this morning how I would define what 'new' thing this pregnancy has taught me.
Funny enough, I came back to a word that God gave me a year ago, when we were praying about you. "Enlarge".

Our hearts have enlarged to know youre coming. You havent yet taken a breath of air, yet you have enlarged the capacity of our dreams, our home, our functioning, our joy. Perhaps mostly so in Daddy.

Conversations that we have make me smile. He was thrilled to choose you a pram, and I wish you could have seen him wandering around Baby City asking me if there was anything else we needed, his evident excitement of you soon to be in our lives. He asked me last night why I needed a night light in the lounge area upstairs, because of course, you will sleep in a bassinet beside us. I told him "oh you know, so we can move you into the lounge and I can nurse out there"... to which he replied "no, I want him right beside us, so I can listen to all his sweet noises".

Those things are considered an inconvenience in our world. Broken sleep, a pram to wheel around, a pacifier to clean, a life of little messes to raise and train. Yet as daddy and I stand at the brink of this new adventure, weve also looked back and reflected how quickly the years pass... and how having you enlarges our ability to enjoy all the wonder of it, all over again.

Sweet boy, I love you so much. We love you so much.
Cant wait to kiss your sweet lil nose.