Letters to my number 6

Ive struggled to even begin this diary. Not because, sweet one, you are any less hoped for, dreamed of or amazing.. you are more so than ever before. But its hard. Acknowledging that I think you are there makes you 'known'. For now, you are just known to the Lord. And perhaps a little bit me, suggested to your dad and to everyone else.. I want to keep you hidden. I realise weeks on, that the hardest part of losing Poppy, was the sense that it was doomed for me, for her. Words people said, well meaning, but none the less.. like I was not fit enough, able enough, good enough, to carry her. I find myself sitting here asking the Lord a question "am I good enough to carry this one?". Its more of a challenge "go on, take it away, Im not going to bear it under my heart, than it wont hurt". For the first time I find myself offering a sacrifice that bewilders me. Fear, of that which I believe we should never fear. Fear of what can touch the secret places. Fear of finding that it depends upon me. That there is something I dont know, that everyone else does. A reason which Im unworthy... a reason I'll never know or put my finger on. Sweet one, Im sorry you have a bit of a mess of a mother right now. I want you to know, with all of my heart, you truly are a God born desire. I guess I need to allow God to let me look again upon the ashes and dare to believe that He can bring beauty out of them there. That He can bring you out of there. May God bless you and truly carry you in the palm of His able hands. 7th June. I think Im about 7 weeks now. I havent tested yet but my body sure is telling me that you are there. Rolling over in bed sometimes brings stabs of stretching inner tendons and this mornings attempt at routine went like this: Get up, put on make up, throw some clothes on, brush hair remark to self "hmm, not feeling so sick today?". Go to kitchen, avoid breathing, look at Sams marmalade toast and try and decide if it makes me hungry, or just queezy. Maybe both. Put on 2 pieces of Vogel toast because the Freya's thick slices are more than I can handle. Go to sink and find crockpot still full of the liquid from last nights dinner that I couldnt finish making, because it was too much for my senses. Gag. Go to toilet because the gag feels a bit more than a gag. Dry wretch into the toilet for the next ten minutes while the song line "its all coming back, its all coming back to me now" goes around in my head. Sam heads straight for the garage and I cant blame him. Vomit and Sam dont cope well together. I would have laughed were it not for being the one dry wretching. After a while he calls out "Im going now, bye guys". I want to ask him to rub my back and give me tender looks while me and the toilet get re-aquainted. But truth is, he and I both know, its a welcome affliction. Staring down the toilet bowl makes me beam with joy.. the short discomfort that will soon give way to kicks, wriggles, teeny little socks and a lifetime of dreams in this mothers heart of mine. Ive been praying for you. Often. The sense I have is that I have a joyful prophetic wee bundle of larger than life within me. You are wonderful. I love you to bits. xxx 8th June. Spending most of my time now either trying not to throw up, wishing I could close my eyes and sleep for the next 5 or so weeks.. theyre such welcome feelings. Today I got to hold baby Grace in Church. The feeling of a precious snuggling little poppet in my arms was divine. I found my heart aching for the day I will hold you. This afternoon I lay on the couch with a cookbook. Thats usually my favourite 'chill out' zone, but today it served a different purpose.. WHAT am I craving?? Langbein makes for great reading, but today all her pictures made my stomach roll... till finally I saw lemon meringue pie and then a thai sauce with limes and nailed it: citrus! Craved citrus with Amy too and asked myself why I didnt plant a lime and grapefruit tree back in those pregnancy days?? Oh yeah.. because we werent going to do this again. Do you know how wonderful it is that I get to do this again? You should see the kids faces when I talk about you. Amy likes to rub my belly and she keeps asking me when youre coming out. So today I worked out youre due about 25th January. Wonderful, just in time to enjoy summer days and fresh breezes and beautiful flowers. You already bring summer to my soul. God Bless you my little blueberry. xxx 9th. 1:30am. The dilemma of morning sickness. Am I hungry or is that nausea? Both. I know it's the middle of winter but I want so much to throw open the doors and let in fresh air.. The lingering smell of dinner is getting to me. Instead I think I might just stare down the toilet some more. 10th. Sweet bundle, I love placing my hand on my stomach and knowing you are there. Today I feel a lot brighter.. which makes up for the fact that I spent as much as I could of yesterday nauseous and lying on the couch. I woke early with your daddy and determined to have a bright face for today. Introducing: Dry Shampoo. That stuff is genius. I have so much to show you! :) Dads thinking ahead too.. he asked me this morning where we plan on feeding you, in your highchair... and on our expensive red rug ;) Cuteness, you have to know, that alone should be reason for you to know how VERY loved and wanted you are. That your dad was willing, no make that prayerful, for you to come into our lives... in this newly renovated home.. on our recently laid carpet.... let me just say: youre planned. And desired. More than any of these earthly things. More than all of his hard work could buy for us. That saying... would you mind, if you could, not being a spilly baby? Would be real helpful :) Just sayin. Love you blueberry. Immensely. xxxx 12th. I wish I were feeling sicker than I am. The past few days, I havent felt so sick. Sure Ive gagged. But I feel wrapped up in anxiety as to whether or not my hormones are sufficient for you. Today I cried. Im helpless. Helpless to do anything to keep you there. And the trauma of losing Poppy is coming back to me. I want to trust you to Jesus.. but I did that with Poppy and He took her home. This exercise of trust is so unbearable. I keep praying.. for a brief moment of today I felt sure that it was all going to be okay, that you are going to be fine. I want so much for God to confirm that.. I want, more than anything, just to enjoy YOU. 14th. "Be it unto me according to Your Word" Luke 1:38. Father, it was you who whispered across our hearts "Children are a blessing from the Lord". It was You who whispered this life into my womb. It is You and You alone who can bring all Your promises to pass. So I am putting aside today my earthly understanding, I want to receive YOUR promise. Your Word. Be it unto me according to Your Word. I rest my security there. 16th. Introducing again.. 4am. And the laying awake with "am I sick, or maybe just hungry?". Lie there and try not to wake hubby up.. give up, come downstairs, drink milk, eat biscuit. Helps some. Drink another glass of milk. Still feel bit yuck. Wish I hadnt drunk so much milk :) I must have done this all about 5 years ago with Amy. It seem so long ago! Glad to do it again with you. More than you know. Love you milky poppet, so much. xx 17th. The past 24 hours have given me reason to believe without doubt that I am very sick. And very pregnant. Tim is cooking dinner tonight, Cornish Pasties. Oh praise God for capabe ten year olds.. because Id quite like to just bury my head in pillows and pretend food doesnt exist. Except Ginger Beer. My new hero. Which isnt really a food but I am grateful for the stuff none the less. And grateful for you. x 18th. Right now your biggest brother is making pull apart pizza bread for lunch. Home ec was on his homeschool list. By the end of this first trimester, he's going to be fully qualified. I decided something in the wee hours of the night. I was suddenly hit with this wonderful thought "what if all my days carrying you, were marked in the verses of hope and truth I stored up in my heart for you and for me". So thats what Ive committed to. Excites me. On another note, your sister Amy tells me often that you are her baby. I get the honour of changing your nappies, she doesnt seem to be partial to that task. Funny that ;). Love you baby. x 23rd June. My favourite feeling right now.. feeling sick. Highlight of my pregnancy was today: Seeing YOU. On the screen. My little peanut. Looking so very plump, cute and deliciously well. You are 23.82mm crown to rump. So little, but so very big to us. You are exactly 9wks 1 day, perfectly accurate to what you should be. And you are due on 25th January 2015. I look forward to being a waddling whale this summer coming. Oh precious soul, I love you to bits. You are a gift! xxxx 30th June. Yesterday I was praying and I felt God speak to me about you. That you were a blessing and a reward, a gift that would give beyond the walls of our home. I wonder what purpose and call God has on your life? Yesterday in Church we prayed that you would know where you are and that your little heart would beat for joy to be in the presence of God. May you know Him even in this secret place. x 1st July. My stomach line is long passed and my pre pregnancy figure seems a distant memory. Already my body is growing and changing and I look pregnant. Your daddy loves it. I love it. Ive found myself dreaming of when you are here, what you will look like, smell like, feel like. Its so exciting :) 2nd July. I cried last night for Poppy. Tears that didnt make a lot of sense to me. Sometimes Im just reminded by your preciousness, of your sister, whose toes and nose I dont get to kiss for a long time. Strangely the tears also drew me closer to you. I love you. x 5th. it's 1:40am. Daddy is away hunting with Tim and I'm awake fighting the urge to throw up. Dad has had lemon water by the bed which has become one of my saving graces... I think I've downed 4 glasses just this evening. I have Amy here beside me, doing her best to stick to my side of the bed. I must have moved her over a handful of times already... To no avail, she likes to know I'm near. On that note, I think you're coming into the most a affectionate family out. You will never lack for snuggles and kisses. As you get older, there will always be someone willing to let you climb in their bed if you're cold or scared. I like that, this family knows to treasure one another. 11wks now and counting.. Already over a 1/4 way there :). I don't want to rush it, I just want to enjoy growing you x 21st July. 13 + 2 was. Today was heartbeat day. Dad happened to pop home right before we left and tagged along for the ride.. So we all got to hear your little heart together for the first time. I know that sound delighted me with the others, but with you, it was like the sound of heaven itself.