Sibling Relationships

Any typical day in our family involves quarrels, unkind words, fights over toys and reminders of whats right and wrong.
Thats the normal.
Thats also the changing normal.

You see, for the longest time, I've wondered, can you really teach siblings to be each others best friends?
Can you really have them treasure one another?
Can they really form life long friendships?

I know its possible as my brothers and I love each other dearly, and I can tell you, they've been fiercely defensive of me and equally as treasuring. And I happen to think they are the best brothers that I could ever have.

But it wasn't always that way.
I was a pain of a little sister and my eldest brother and I fought a lot growing up. At least till they were old enough to demand my respect. And even then, I kept myself distanced, secretly wanting their approval, but to cool for that.

I distinctly recall however, that at some point, my brothers broke through that shell with their affection. It didnt matter if it was cool or not to show affection to your sister and perhaps, I grew old enough to leave their stuff alone?.. but "go away" was replaced with "sweetie" and "hun" and I glowed under the endearing terms which they lavished on me.
I still do.

So watching my kids interact, Im so aware of how words can make a world of difference and attitude can mean so much.
And with three boys so close in age, especially, Ive held my breath as to whether or not, they would be each others friends.

Until recently.
I realised the role I have as a mother, to train them to be. To teach them what it means. To help them see the blessing they have in each other.

Baby Joseph was a significant part of that journey. His presence brought a dimension to our home, a place to lavish our affections. My boys don't hesitate to smother him in cuddles, kisses, hugs and tender words. Daily his giggles (and odd cry) bring a gathering of three devoted brothers (and a sister) to his side, eager to love on him, and eager to be loved. They ask me "do you think he loves me?" and "do you think he knows me?". Oh yes! I reply, over and over. And then I remind them how significant they are in his life. And how he will always look up to them. And how he will want to be like them. And how he will cry when they leave home.

As these conversations happened, I began to think more and more, how wise it is to invest purposefully into teaching our kids to be each others best friends.
And as the weeks have passed, Ive rejoiced to see hearts soften, attitudes change and a tone come into our home that blesses me.

Just the other day, my son was explaining to his friend why he was doing something for his brother, and the visitor said "oh I wish our family did that, Id love my brother to do that for me".. and I thought how affirming it was, to the need of each one of us, to be loved. Especially by our siblings.

The wisdom in getting there, is not my own. Its been a journey and I have gleaned from some amazing sources.
But here is what I know works:

*Teach them the significance of their role.
The eldest sets the mark. Its a responsibility and a privilege. I remind my eldest often how much his younger siblings look up to him, and how important it is to be tender with them and earn their respect. I also remind them how to correct in an encouraging and positive way, rather than a lording way, and to report quickly back to a parent when they won't listen.
Teach the younger ones to show deference, teachability and to make good appeals. Its a quality of the second, third born, etc.. to sure know how to wind up the older ones, to resist their correction and to remark "you're not the boss". They need a voice, but they also need to learn to heed correction as good. We talk often about having a teachable spirit, not fighting against someone who shows you 'blindspots'.
Theres examples everywhere of people who can back up your stories.. for good and for bad.. and we talk openly about both.

*Protect their time with each other.
Its good for kids to have other friends, but its not high priority in our home. We rarely separate them off to other friends and try to discourage 'one on one' friendships. They each have a 'dear friend' they love being with, and we don't mind that at all. But we try to include family in relating to those people.

*Watch Heart Attitudes.
Resentment can easily build up when offences aren't rightly handled. It doesn't work to just make kids say sorry to each other, but not deal with core issues. We frequently stop and assess whats going on inside their hearts, and how its coming through in their attitudes to one another. It takes time, and energy, to go down into the deep stuff but its worth it.

*Play with them.
As a parent there is always so much to be done. Im often tempted to say "go play together" and hope they will run off and find Lego, while I sit and read a book Ive been wanting to read all week. As a mum, I rarely get down time, and 'free play' is a tempting time to slot in a coffee and the chance to zone out. It also happens to be the time that they most likely fight with each other.
It takes a great deal of discipline to say "hey, why dont we pull out Boggle" and play it with them. Or draw with them. Yet when I take an interest in what they are playing, it pulls them together and also makes them appreciate one another.

*Keep Routine.
Kids without order, fight. Ive found if you give a kid too much 'free time', they get bored, irritated, and cantankerous. Ask any mum on school holidays. I don't make my kids work all day, but keeping a schedule, maintains a sense of order that ministers peace into the home. It doesn't need to be implemented with strictness, but rather function like a happy hum through the home.

*Get them to serve one another.
I listened to a fantastic message recently that suggested a different idea for each day of the week, in loving each other. We put it in place and every evening around the dinner table, talk about it. It's simple things: Learning to encourage, serve, pray, give and prefer one another above themselves. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it is to watch them practise these things and to see the joy it adds. I love watching them at the supermarket, choose something to surprise a sibling with, or noticing something in their sibling that they haven't noticed before.. and it sure does encourage us as parents, to remember to show appreciation and love to our own families also.

*Pray.
There are fantastic ideas, wisdom and strategies you can implement to encourage sibling relationships, but the change happens in the heart. Corrie Ten Boom wrote in her book about her experience in the Nazi concentration camp of a time in the barracks when all the prisoners were fighting and arguing and contention reigned through the cramped and horrible sleeping arrangements. Her and her sister Bettie prayed, and the Spirit of God brought peace across the whole place. Laughter and politeness replaced the harsh words and order came into the place. God can change hearts when we pray and ask Him to fill our home. And I can vouch, time and time again, He has come through for me. And will for you.