I knew you...

I asked my son if I could share this little story with you. Its so easy to want to lecture children. To sit and advise them what they should/ shouldnt do. Its easy to listen to them monologue and answer with semi interested "hmm, oh wow" and its easy to fire out a pile of orders with a pleasant half hearted tone of "Im present, but just". But lately Ive been daring to do something different. Actually, it started after my last post, the post about how the lies we believe affect our behaviour. And in particular it started with a once again, angry little man, and a paddy at the playground. Upon getting him home, I sat for a moment and thought "whats really going on?". I prayed "God give me wisdom".. and then a thought came to me. A God thought: Why not take some time to know. I made him a milo and sat him in the room with me. And then I sat with a piece of paper, and a pen, and I dared to ask him some questions. What were you feeling when you lost your temper? When did you start feeling that way? What upsets you most? What makes you feel loved? Little by little, we unpeeled back the layers to find a hurting wee heart that was feeling left out of his brothers lives. A need to feel accepted, masked by always somehow pushing them away. I wrote down all he said, word for word. He looked at me part way through and asked me "what are you writing?". I told him "all the things you tell me, they are important, I dont want to forget a thing". He beamed at me. I finished off the session with one big question that I dared to ask. I swallowed, took a breath, smiled and said "sweetheart, if you could change anything about mummy, one thing about me, what would it be.. it can be anything you like and I wont be angry, or hurt, I will be glad you are helping me to be a better mummy". He thought for a moment then tenderly replied: "I wish you'd spend more time with me". I thanked him and smiled, wrote it down and let him run off to play. How funny it is, that I spend all day with the kids, I homeschool them, yet what they want is time with me. I didnt have to justify what they meant. They dont want 'teacher' mummy, or 'training' mummy, 'homemaking' mummy, 'listening' mummy... they want the mummy that proves that they are more important than the other things. The mummy that comes alive after 7pm when the house is quiet and the kids are down. The mummy that makes them a priority. The mummy that knows them. Oh gulp! I didnt even have to pray when it came to said hurting little man, where to find that time. God had shown me months ago. He is the only one that wakes up earlier than 6am in our home. All the other 3 will happily sleep gone 7am, and later if I let them.. but he wakes the moment the sun peeks through. And when he wakes, he hums, wriggles and wills the world to wake up too. I get up 5:20am 2 mornings a week for bootcamp, so my sleep in days, 7am.. are treasured. But here I knew God was asking me "would you get up early for him too?". What God really asking me was - Would you get up early for me? Because my time is His time. And He was showing me that I had a precious window of opportunity 3 mornings a week, to make this little man know, he is a priority. To walk around the block with him, to listen to him chat, to affirm to him that he is worth it. To know his heart. Id be lying if I said there isnt a part of me that wants to pull the covers over my head when he appears at the crack of dawn with a "mum, its time for our walk!". I open my eyes and stare bleary eyed up at his little face and see anticipation there. And a fair chunk of "you said". I get up and throw on some layers and gently stroll the block with his flurry of conversation and animated antics. Its not like we have any great deep and meaningfuls, or even great moments of insight and enlightment. It would be easy to miss how significant it is.... except that something in his little spirit is changing. His reserves are far greater, his anger a lot less. He is quick to come climb on my knee and cuddle, telling me how his heart his hurting. He is showing a genuine joy and peacefulness that comes from knowing how loved he is, how vital he is to our family. I see how his heart is reflected in his behaviour. I know the things that will make him hurt, make him smile. I see the little things that others wouldnt.. and as I wrap him up in my arms, or listen to his jabbering talk at the crack of dawn.. I sense Jesus pulling me close too. Whispering to me "I know you Fleur". And I am realising that to be known is all any soul desires. Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.