Things that hold us back from ministry...

One week a couple of months back, I was going about my daily stuff, and the Lord spoke to me. At the time, I wasn't praying or seeking Him.. I was simply going about my daily chores. Standing there in the kitchen, the Lord said to me "Im leading you into a new area of ministry that isn't your comfort zone". I didnt allow myself to ponder what that might be.. I more kind of wrestled with whether or not Id heard right. I love children, I know Gods given me a calling for working with children, right now homeschooling and training my own little kiddys, I know Im centre of Gods will. And Ive been happy there. It was only a day or two later that my Pastors wife, came around to see me and she mentioned to me something "Ive been praying and God has put you on my heart to be involved in Womens Ministry". Bingo. I said yes on the spot. I absolutely wondered what God was doing there! For the weeks that followed, I doubted significantly that I was really called. That I had anything to offer. That I had any use for God there and reminded God of all the ways Im disqualified for that kind of ministry. I said "yes" in my spirit, but in my heart, I said "no". I kept in my mind this viewpoint that I would be a quiet and barely there participant of the ministry team. Id take the humble back seat row of presence, but not contributing my ideas or engaging emotionally. I would be cautious. I had good reason to feel that way. My mum had been involved in Womens Ministry. She was a very effective minister of Gods Word to woman around her and a hard act to follow. I also felt wary of letting ministry goals interfere with my calling foremost to my family... or if I were honest, was what was really holding me back, was fear? Fear I would be rejected Fear I would be overlooked Fear that this ministry situation would simply remind me of how many ways I didnt fit. I wasnt consciously aware of those deeper fears. Those were hidden under many little lies I believed. And I wasnt even aware of those lies, till I sat down the other night and casually listened to a message on three things that hold us back from ministry. One of those things was "hidden lies", things we believe that arent true. Suddenly I saw it. I am one of three children, the youngest daughter with two amazing older brothers. Mum said as a little girl, I went through a stage of asking her if I could have a sister. But into my little box, I took with me through life the belief that if you had a sister, you could far better relate to woman. I felt that girls couldn't really be trusted. Id experienced being on the out a lot of times. Rejected because I wasnt 'cool', or 'like them'. Sometimes I would feel the brunt of things said behind my back, or little insinuations on my character. I acted confident and unfazed, but inside, I was hurt. My spirit was wounded. My way of dealing with it, was to feed my pride "youre Godlier than them anyway" and move on. So instead of hanging out with the girls, with whom I didnt fit, I hung out with the boys. I tagged along with my brothers where I could, they were and are so loving, and mostly I just hung out with the brothers of these girls, who were so much safer. In fact, throughout my childhood, my best buddys were often boys. Keith, Danny, David. Boys dont have that vindicative streak, theyre far more accepting and if they do have something to say it's to your face. I believed that was easier to deal with. As the years have passed, I've always struggled to fit in with a group of woman. I've tried many times, and eventually my hurt spirit has come to the surface and I've shyed away, put up my walls and moved on. Getting married to Sam meant it was easier to hang out with guys. We've never had a large group of friends, but of the couples we've related to, I've seemed to find the men less scary to talk to. My anxiety around other woman has been such that I would never have dreamed of attending a Sistas conference. I endured the odd woman's camp and woman's group, but in my heart I just wanted to feel safe. So I acted warm, friendly and untouchable... Though actually I felt anything but. A couple of times I've been told off for having a flirty spirit, and the insinuation cut deeper into my pain. My hurt meant I was unable to see how I lay myself open for failure. I knew I didn't have a flirty spirit,.. But I was unable either to see the wounds I carried that opened me up to compromise. So when God showed me these wounds I was carrying, I asked him to reveal where they had begun. God showed me three specific times that I had been hurt and carried it as lies in my heart. And He ministered to me there.. Reminding me of verses in his Word that are His promises to me. So many of us are held back from ministry by the lies we believe. What holds you back? Since realising this, I have begun to spot behaviour in my children which I see comes out of lies they are believing about themselves. Times their little spirits have been wounded and their behaviour comes out awful. I've asked god to help me see the lies they might be carrying, and to respond gently. Sometimes it's not the behaviour we should've disciplining, but discerning where they're at. So that they, like me, can be free to reach the potential God has for their lives in serving others.