Musings at full term.

As I lay in bed asleep last night, I felt Sam reach over and tenderly hold my hand. Sweet man. I whispered to him "you okay?". His response? "um yeah". And I ask "Im keeping you awake?". "um yeah".
Im not sure why?..
I mean, he's only sleeping next to a woman with a bowling bowl/ heater wedged to her front, throwing off every blanket in sight and stealing every pillow in an attempt to somewhere wedge the weight just perfect ;)
I drift back to sleep till 3am when in kick thats pregnancy insomnia, a part of a woman's brain that says "I know you have to push out a baby sometime very soon, but lets get up and ya know, practise being awake"

So after getting up for a glass of cold milk, staring blankly into the fridge and deciding that I will once again eat what I always eat at that time.. a small bowl of greek yoghurt with some nuts and a few raisins scattered over the top (which despite being a ritual, I still ponder what I will eat!).. and then check the weather report with trepidation. What I want to see is rain cloud. Cloud cover. A temperature dip perhaps? Nope. High 20's for the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy, or however long this eternity of 'full term' lasts.

After a while, the cool night air convinces me it would be awesome to go into labour NOW and I sit with a few Braxton Hicks, willing them to turn into something more, ya know, painful. I pump myself for the task and take to the stairs to do some silent squats. By squat ten I think "um, nah, Im going back to bed". I wander back and lie on my left side (turn baby turn) and re arrange myself as tidily as I can, and try not to wake Sam up. I contemplate snuggling into him but junior is now kicking and likely to keep him awake.. so I lie there with my hand feeling every kick and feel emotional that Im going to miss this amazing miracle within. And that hey, being full term pregnant forever, is not so bad.

Then I play a little mental game with myself. "What things will I do tomorrow to distract myself, play with the kids and be a happy creative and patient waiting mummy?. I decide we will walk around the Mount and then have ice creams. Then I think about being half way around the Mount and labour kicking in and having to get some stranger to deliver the baby with no sterilised spot in sight. Maybe not.
So instead I decide that in the morning, in a more realistic head space, I will make a 'baby countdown calendar' with something every day to do thats fun with the kids... before concluding "who am I kidding, Nanny and Grandpa's pool is my happy place right now. We'll just stick to that".

Eventually after dreaming up some elaborate meal to cook for the following nights dinner (because these days Im ravenous and just want decent healthy food), sleep kicks in again. Come morning, Im woken up to a little hand (or 4) tenderly rubbing my head, whispering in my air quiet questions "mummy, can I have a biscuit for breakfast?" or "mummy, can I have a snuggle" or "mummy, would you like a coffee?"....

and I look at their blinking wee morning eyes, their sweet lil faces and tenderness and it hits me. ENJOY THE NOW. Because this, right here, is the brink of happy anticipation. Being a mummy, and about to become a mummy once more. All its aches, discomfort, fatigue, the whole lot... is building to the real end that once more, I will know Gods grace and favour more intimately as a new little life comes into the world. A life thats His, a life thats mine to gladly sacrifice for.

Dear Baby Boy. You are hugely anticipated. By all of us. I pray God graces me here now, and in the days to come, with a joy of waiting and a joy of fulfilment as you come into our lives and make us HUGELY RICHER just by being you.