A message from Tim to me

I went for a walk yesterday evening with Tim.
I invited him along on my "lets march uphill, get this baby moving, and pray" hike.
As we pounded the pavement, we prayed. For baby to turn, for labour to start, for friendships for Tim..
Tim asked me, as we headed home "Mum what can I pray for you?". I reiterated my biggest hope.. that this baby boy will arrive asap, that he will get into a good labour decision, that I wont go over my due date. Etc.

And then as we walked, he began to preach to me a little lesson that cut to the core.
He reminded me, that life is a series of tests, of moments of learning to trust God. He likened life to going through valleys and mountains and how often we find ourselves at a cave door, something we didn't chose or want, but something we have to walk through. He talked to me about King David and Moses and the choices they made (and didnt make) to trust God and by the time he near finished I was just wanting to kneel on the pavement and say "okay God, I will trust you!".

I thanked him and kissed him goodnight and tried to sleep while quietly wrestling with the words he challenged me with. Each vigorous kick and wriggle junior made, reminded me how very out of control I am. And I spent a restless night falling between trust in the Lord and wondering how many ways I could attempt to bring on labour.

Morning soon arrived and we started the day super early at the chiropractor. I felt sure if anyone would be able to get baby to turn, it would be my chiro. He adjusted my stiff hip (instant relief) and together we mused how incredibly active this wee boy is, with his octopus limbs and unwillingness to stay still long enough to engage in any position that indicates an imminent arrival.

And as we left, I felt as deflated as they come.

All day my mind turned back to the little sermon Tim had preached me the night before. The decision I have to trust the Lord, or to fall into my emotions and weariness. Id like to say I managed it successfully today, but there were moments where I blinked back some tears and sighed.. and moments where I remembered who my Lord is.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills, whence does my help come from" Psalm 121.

How easy to fall victim to fear and despondency, when circumstance is not what we wanted.
How great to realise there is a God who is BIGGER than it all.

Musings at full term.

As I lay in bed asleep last night, I felt Sam reach over and tenderly hold my hand. Sweet man. I whispered to him "you okay?". His response? "um yeah". And I ask "Im keeping you awake?". "um yeah".
Im not sure why?..
I mean, he's only sleeping next to a woman with a bowling bowl/ heater wedged to her front, throwing off every blanket in sight and stealing every pillow in an attempt to somewhere wedge the weight just perfect ;)
I drift back to sleep till 3am when in kick thats pregnancy insomnia, a part of a woman's brain that says "I know you have to push out a baby sometime very soon, but lets get up and ya know, practise being awake"

So after getting up for a glass of cold milk, staring blankly into the fridge and deciding that I will once again eat what I always eat at that time.. a small bowl of greek yoghurt with some nuts and a few raisins scattered over the top (which despite being a ritual, I still ponder what I will eat!).. and then check the weather report with trepidation. What I want to see is rain cloud. Cloud cover. A temperature dip perhaps? Nope. High 20's for the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy, or however long this eternity of 'full term' lasts.

After a while, the cool night air convinces me it would be awesome to go into labour NOW and I sit with a few Braxton Hicks, willing them to turn into something more, ya know, painful. I pump myself for the task and take to the stairs to do some silent squats. By squat ten I think "um, nah, Im going back to bed". I wander back and lie on my left side (turn baby turn) and re arrange myself as tidily as I can, and try not to wake Sam up. I contemplate snuggling into him but junior is now kicking and likely to keep him awake.. so I lie there with my hand feeling every kick and feel emotional that Im going to miss this amazing miracle within. And that hey, being full term pregnant forever, is not so bad.

Then I play a little mental game with myself. "What things will I do tomorrow to distract myself, play with the kids and be a happy creative and patient waiting mummy?. I decide we will walk around the Mount and then have ice creams. Then I think about being half way around the Mount and labour kicking in and having to get some stranger to deliver the baby with no sterilised spot in sight. Maybe not.
So instead I decide that in the morning, in a more realistic head space, I will make a 'baby countdown calendar' with something every day to do thats fun with the kids... before concluding "who am I kidding, Nanny and Grandpa's pool is my happy place right now. We'll just stick to that".

Eventually after dreaming up some elaborate meal to cook for the following nights dinner (because these days Im ravenous and just want decent healthy food), sleep kicks in again. Come morning, Im woken up to a little hand (or 4) tenderly rubbing my head, whispering in my air quiet questions "mummy, can I have a biscuit for breakfast?" or "mummy, can I have a snuggle" or "mummy, would you like a coffee?"....

and I look at their blinking wee morning eyes, their sweet lil faces and tenderness and it hits me. ENJOY THE NOW. Because this, right here, is the brink of happy anticipation. Being a mummy, and about to become a mummy once more. All its aches, discomfort, fatigue, the whole lot... is building to the real end that once more, I will know Gods grace and favour more intimately as a new little life comes into the world. A life thats His, a life thats mine to gladly sacrifice for.

Dear Baby Boy. You are hugely anticipated. By all of us. I pray God graces me here now, and in the days to come, with a joy of waiting and a joy of fulfilment as you come into our lives and make us HUGELY RICHER just by being you.

To my baby boy

Youre due in a few weeks. Apart from finding nights rather uncomfortable, Im content that you are still where you are.
Daddy asked me last night what its like when you have your body back.. and the truth is, its fantastic, and its a grief. For weeks afterwards I instinctively put my hand to my belly and realize there are no feet there to feel, no kicks to giggle at. Ive loved that most about this pregnancy. My hands have been glued to you, your form, your movements. Ive cuddled you a thousand times over from the outside in.
Im going to miss that as much as holding you in my arms is going to break the ache ten fold.

In every pregnancy Ive learnt something new. I was thinking this morning how I would define what 'new' thing this pregnancy has taught me.
Funny enough, I came back to a word that God gave me a year ago, when we were praying about you. "Enlarge".

Our hearts have enlarged to know youre coming. You havent yet taken a breath of air, yet you have enlarged the capacity of our dreams, our home, our functioning, our joy. Perhaps mostly so in Daddy.

Conversations that we have make me smile. He was thrilled to choose you a pram, and I wish you could have seen him wandering around Baby City asking me if there was anything else we needed, his evident excitement of you soon to be in our lives. He asked me last night why I needed a night light in the lounge area upstairs, because of course, you will sleep in a bassinet beside us. I told him "oh you know, so we can move you into the lounge and I can nurse out there"... to which he replied "no, I want him right beside us, so I can listen to all his sweet noises".

Those things are considered an inconvenience in our world. Broken sleep, a pram to wheel around, a pacifier to clean, a life of little messes to raise and train. Yet as daddy and I stand at the brink of this new adventure, weve also looked back and reflected how quickly the years pass... and how having you enlarges our ability to enjoy all the wonder of it, all over again.

Sweet boy, I love you so much. We love you so much.
Cant wait to kiss your sweet lil nose.
xxxx

The thrill of hope!...

Pockets of Hope...

I sat down yesterday and finally began to assemble the Advent Calendar Id printed off Belle and Boo.
Its pretty cute!.. I mean.. take a look at it!!

There are 25 bags to print, each with its own utterly sweet image and then you glue it into a little bag which you fill with whatever you fancy.

Okay, so granted I was 11 days late, or so, on this one. But I had already purchased the chocolate window pre made ones back in November. We dutifully opened those on Dec 1st after a couple of weeks of patient waiting on the kids part. Somehow, come a week or so into it, those windows got emptied one morning. It wasnt the act itself that cracked me up, but the guilty confession that followed when first, daughter, woke me up and showed me all the windows, 'lights on' and glistening back at me their empty wee plastic inner.

I laughed. My laughter beguiled the time waiting for test results.. the quiet fears I held that I had developed gestational diabetes with this pregnancy.. just like I had when I was pregnant with my firstborn. And what that meant, for me, for baby and how the weeks to come would look like.

Finally, this week I got my first results back. Yup, high.
And I had a choice to make with my emotions.

I sat in the car a few moments and collected my thoughts and asked myself some questions about how I might respond that day. Admist all the other demands, I had now to fit in more blood tests, a scan, specialist appointments and decisions on whats best for baby.. right on Christmas. Add that to no sugar in the diet and careful calculating of what Im eating, exercise, wrapping up homeschooling.. oh and 4 precious bundles who need me functioning.
Dont even get me started on the post partum fears and complications and the expressing off colostrum 4 times a day so as to prepare baby for a healthy start on life.

There was just one thing that day - I couldnt lose it. Not right then. Not in that moment. I needed to delve into a place of peace that required me to do that which goes above my human logic: Grab from the moment, the peace, the hope, the confidence, the belief that God really does work ALL things for good... in a Christian sense, rip open the advent window of faith that was mine, for just today. And not just today, but tomorrow too, and the days after that.

So as I went about that afternoon, functioning somewhat normally, I told my fears again and again "God really does work all things for good, dont you worry!".

Instead of dwelling on the fears, the expected appointments and how they will dominate life, I planned life around those things. I might have just been tempted to put treats in the sweet Belle and Boo bags.. but instead each one holds a neat family activity each day, just to celebrate life together, before baby arrives: tenpin bowling, movies, swimming, picnics, parks, light trail, crafts, just to name a few.

Suddenly theyre more than just sweet advent bags to me, but a reminder of how God wants us to face life. Not with dread, or worry about whats in store. But the hope that REGARDLESS of whats going on in our circumstances, Gods grace, love and hope is more than enough. That He has a joy and promise for us each day, that is sufficient to our needs. That He is working good, even when we cant see it.

For I know..

Ive been meditating this week on Jeremiah 29:11.. "For I know the thoughts I think towards you says the Lord, thoughts of peace.."

I went to the park yesterday with the kids. One we hardly visit. I took my journal and while they ran, explored and played, I sat on the park bench and pondered the verse Id been meditating on that week. 1 John 14:20 "... and I will reveal myself".

The sun shone down on my back, warming my soul and I quietly marvelled at how the big lingering cloud of grey held back. For a while I glanced over my shoulder and considered how much time we'd have before it hit... and after a while, I stopped looking. It was as if something held it back.

So we went home, an hour or so later, my soul richer.

Today was a full day, busy, and I could feel my body telling me it was tired. The verse Id chosen for meditating this week is Jeremiah 29:11. Its one of those verses where you just kinda think is pretty Christian cliche. But I wanted to allow it to seep into my soul afresh.

Come 4pm I looked at the mess around me. Homeschooling tasks to wrap up, dinner to prep, toys to pop away, tired kids to organize and a thought popped into my mind "why not go back to that park?". I reasoned it away.. no time.. and then Tim came to me "mum, can I earn some money?"... and there was that prompting again "why not go back to the park and then when you get home, get his help to cook dinner?".
I didnt argue with it twice.

We got down to the park and there I spotted it. My journal. Sitting untouched, unharmed, on the park bench where I had unknowingly left it the day before. I hadnt yet missed it...

but God knew...

Suddenly Jeremiah 29:11 came to life "For I know the thoughts I think towards you Fleur".

Have you ever stopped and considered why it doesnt simply say "I think towards you, says the Lord". Why add "For I know the thoughts"?...

Gods thinking towards us is not accidental. That 'knowing' is an intimate knowing. A purposeful, intentional investment of love, time and energy. Not only that, but He purposefully thinks towards us PEACE. His heart towards us is the calm, rested, balanced, healthy, unharried, quiet stillness, in everything we face.

I considered again my journal. I hadnt even known it was missing yet, but God knew and as I considered why He'd even bother to prompt and direct my afternoon to a second visit to a park the Words came to mind "I've got you covered".

He does have us covered, in EVERY situation we face...

That relationship that seems too complicated?
That health problem that wont go away?
That car issue that needs your attention?
That decision that your wondering how to make?
That conversation that you know you need to have? ......

He's there whispering "Peace. Ive got you covered."

Family Devotions..

Psalm 1 tells us "And on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water".

Can I ask you a personal question? Does your life, does the life of your family, reflect that of a flourishing tree?
That is not a far fetched ideal or a task too hard for anyone. Its a promise God has given us, a joy that is ours to know. Yet I get how hard it is to maintain the discipline.

Our home library shelf boasts all manner of childrens Bibles and Ive invested in some terrific Kids Devotionals too. I own numerous womens devotionals And while theyve been great, its easy to give way to inconsistency.

So one of the ways in which we have worked to keep the Word consistently central to our lives, is to simplify.

Each day we choose the corresponding chapter of Proverbs to match the day of the month. Out of that, I pick one verse to study together with the kids and look at.
Often I read it and then ask them what they think it means, or how it relates to them. It never ceases to be interesting how they will relate scripture to their own lives and things they see around them.
God blesses His Word! And so Ive been amazed how many illustrations and precious nuggets have sprung to mind to share with the kids as we read and meditate on that verse.

Here's a glimpse of how it looks for us..

Yesterday the kids and I were meditating on Proverbs 16:20 "Those who listen to instruction will prosper". We talked about how we can thrive in anything we undertake when we remain teachable and are willing to obey those over us, or to receive counsel from someone even if we think we know better. Of course the kids were able to relate that to being obedient to Dad and Mum.. and I shared how as a grown woman, I can do that with those around me. We looked at the next part of the verse "those who trust in the Lord will be joyful". It raised a neat topic.. we NEVER have a reason not to be joyful if were trusting and obeying God, no matter how impossible the situation seems. We can ALWAYS obey God without question and know He has our best in mind. They discussed that in the light of how we respond to issues around us and I used it to be honest about where Ive failed to exhibit joy in some of the difficulties Ive faced. I shared how Ive learnt to accept the unchangeables issues that come along, and how I can release them into Gods hands knowing Ive done everything.. and that God is a God who relishes the impossible.
And yes, you bet I found it challenging :)

After talking it over, I print the verse out and have the kids write it down in a scrapbook and then illustrate it whatever way they like. The illustrations are often my favourite part as the kids will liken a proverb to an interest, or to something real for them. Its such a great insight into your kids hearts!!

I dont rush them, sometimes this whole process can take an hour. They have decorated the cover of their scrapbooks up with photos of themselves and weve laminated them and we keep them as absolute treasures. It takes time.. but here is the neat part.. God LOVES it when we meditate and learn from His Word and He is faithful to His Word to let it yield a harvest. Sometimes we dont see that fruit straight away.. but take note.. and watch for it.

In the evenings, Sam often reads to the kids out of a story Bible while I clean up the kitchen and get ready for the evening. Sam has a gas lamp that he takes into their room, turns out the lights and lets the room come to life with that camp style feeling of stories around the lantern. The kids LOVE it.
Truth is, I love it. Every now and then I will sneak in and listen and go away so challenged.

Last night Sam was reading to the kids about the first miracle Jesus ever did, turning water into wine at the wedding. Sam stopped to add some details that made the kids grin such as "you know, Jesus didnt turn the water into $6.99 Countdown on special bottles.. he turned in into something expensive". I laughed when I thought that over and then he said something that hit me at the core.. "Mary told the servants, 'do whatever he tells you'". There it was again! Obedience without question. I reminded the kids of the verse this morning and how when we obey, God can do the impossible. And so our hearts burst!

After reading we prayed together for the people in our lives who lack, and we prayed for the amazing and impossible.. restored eyesight, healed spines, new skin and restored relationships... and of course our precious wee boy within.

After kissing the kids goodnight, I lay on my bed and allowed my heart to reflect upon those servants. I wondered how their lives had been forever changed as they watched Jesus turn plain water into wine, because they obeyed. Did they ever forget? Did they ever see life's impossibilities the same? I pondered how Jesus could have placed thousands of dollars in the servants hands instead, and sent them for the local winery.. that would have been great. But He chose to make His first miracle a representation of what was to come.. His life poured out. Expensive. Miraculous.

Its easy to fall in love with Gods Word when we stop and meditate upon the amazing revelations that can be ours to know.