Joseph... his story and his name.

Ive been itching to write this precious journal post.
It feels a bit sacred, and so Ive not rushed to do it.. but kept it hidden in my heart in its entirety. Till now.

A year ago pretty much to the day that Joseph was born, I sat in the kitchen in the quiet, praying through some struggles. I had my Bible in one hand, my heart open, and tears on my cheeks.. and all my insecurities laid bare before Him.

As I prayed them through, God spoke to me "I have given you a soft heart because I have called you to work with children". I knew that. A flashback across the course of my life would reveal many a moment where my love of children and my call to them was confirmed and ignited. Even from a tiny little girl.

I allowed myself to consider what that calling might look like in the here and now. Orphans? Adoption? ... and then God gave me a verse:

"I run in the path of your commands, for you shall enlarge my heart". Psalm 119:32.

I meditated upon that: That when we run in obedience to God, he enlarges the capacity of our hearts, beyond what is natural to ourselves. We are literally made for more, when we follow Him.

The next verse that jumped out at me was Psalm 127:3 "Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from Him"... Psalm 128:3 "Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table".

My heart beat inside me as I considered that He was going to increase us, and gift to us another child. I knelt, yielded my desires to Him and prayed that if that were His will, He would also reveal it to Sam. I was honest as I shared my heart with Sam. Id be lying if I didn't say how the weight and responsibility sat upon Him. Also the small yet practical 'complications'.. the car seating arrangement, the fact that there are 6 chairs around the table we bought as newlyweds 'for life' and our new carpet, with no baby spill stains. Small things? You could say yes on one hand. But for us, and especially for Sam, they were real.

Yet despite them, he also saw the value of another little life in our precious family and God confirmed it to us in some precious little ways.
As we prayed God gave me a dream, two in fact. I dreamt we had a girl and I also dreamt we had a boy. I kept the dreams a secret in my heart and tried to make sense of them. They were two very different dreams. My little girl had an ethereal presence about her that I struggled to identify. Whereas the dream of my boy felt grounded.

Shortly after, we discovered we were pregnant. I still remember taking the test, seeing the pregnancy test negative and saying to Sam "hmm, something is not right with my body".. and then slowly seeing it turn positive. The next day I started bleeding and that evening went and had a bath. As I lay in the bath, the Lord whispered to me "She is with me". I knew she was in the Lords hands. Our dear and ethereal Poppy Grace Cahill.
Her little face edged upon my mind forever, and suddenly the dream made sense. Oh how I ache to trace my fingers over her delicate little face and kiss all the softness of her profile. To admire her in all her elegance and dignity. And although my grief was so very real, yet my heart burned deeper with a burning desire to love children as God loves them.. and heaven became more real.

Two weeks later, we conceived again. This time I waited till week 8 to test and then, only to be sure I wasn't going to see the midwife in vain. I knew in my heart, this was our boy!

When we went to the 20 week scan and heard that confirmed, I spent the next couple of days crying. Perhaps not for reasons that people might think. I was so excited; our beautiful little boy was up there on the screen looking just perfect. But seeing his feet reminded me of another little pair of feet I didnt get to see. Knowing he was a boy, confirmed the reality of the dreams Id had and perhaps the grief set in again.. how does the heart do that? Grieve and rejoice all at once?

As I prayed through the pain, I felt God speak to me of the promises He had for the little man that I was carrying. He truly gave me joy in my sorrow and anticipation in the place of tears, and I knew that this wee man was a very great reward and treasure that we were being entrusted with. I shared this with Sam and we began to wonder what name we should call him.

Starting with a name book would make sense. But this time we knew we needed to pray and ask God for this name. We quietly waited for Him to answer.

The answer came one night, October 16th 2014. Sam and I lay in bed and he had been looking through a book about the lineage of the Cahill Clan, called "Cahill blood" - about his forebears. One name in particular stood out to him; Joseph. Sam's great great grandfather. An amazing man who served as a Policeman and also Mayor of Poplar, London. We decided to look the name up.

Joseph: The name Joseph is a Hebrew baby name. In Hebrew the meaning of the name Joseph is: May Jehovah add/give increase/ enlarge.

Immediately I remembered the verse God had given me "You shall enlarge my heart"... our hearts burned with joy and we decided to lock this name away as a secret till he was born.

Joseph really is a gift of God to us. We thought our family was done at 4.. and Jehovah has given us an increase. His love enlarges both our capacity and our dreams. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think.

In the birthing centre, my Nana visited me. She had a special story for me. My great great grandfather was also called Joseph. He also lived in London and was a medic in the army . Is it any coincidence that our son shares his name with his great great great grandfathers on both sides?!!

What a LEGACY for our little man, and what a TREASURE for us.

Today I was lying on the couch with wee Joseph curled up on my chest asleep. I closed my eyes and breathed in the peace. As I lay there listening to the crickets sing, my boys upstairs quietly playing with lego, my daughter humming outside, my heart was hit with a wave of ache again. That quiet longing to hold time still and enjoy feeling this content, this fulfilled, this rich.. forever. I breathed in the smell of Joseph one more time, trying to memorize it. Milky, a little like a lamb, sweet and fresh, and lived in. And the thought hit me "This cant be our last!". Oh I know all the reasons it should be. My body for one, can only do so much. Yet even as the thoughts washed over me, I was reminded of Gods truth.
We don't need to lament for our past, while still in the present, because Gods still writing the future. When the pen is in His hands, He still keeps enlarging the capacity of our lives and hearts for FAR more than we could imagine.
Yes, our bodies wear out. But our hearts dont have to.
It reminded me of the call God gave to us, back a year ago, when we said 'yes' to one more: The call was this.. simply to love children, as He loves them.

Though this is likely our last baby, I know God will continue to enlarge our hearts and home to children.. as long as we walk in obedience to Him.
To that our hearts say "Yes Lord".

A message from Tim to me

I went for a walk yesterday evening with Tim.
I invited him along on my "lets march uphill, get this baby moving, and pray" hike.
As we pounded the pavement, we prayed. For baby to turn, for labour to start, for friendships for Tim..
Tim asked me, as we headed home "Mum what can I pray for you?". I reiterated my biggest hope.. that this baby boy will arrive asap, that he will get into a good labour decision, that I wont go over my due date. Etc.

And then as we walked, he began to preach to me a little lesson that cut to the core.
He reminded me, that life is a series of tests, of moments of learning to trust God. He likened life to going through valleys and mountains and how often we find ourselves at a cave door, something we didn't chose or want, but something we have to walk through. He talked to me about King David and Moses and the choices they made (and didnt make) to trust God and by the time he near finished I was just wanting to kneel on the pavement and say "okay God, I will trust you!".

I thanked him and kissed him goodnight and tried to sleep while quietly wrestling with the words he challenged me with. Each vigorous kick and wriggle junior made, reminded me how very out of control I am. And I spent a restless night falling between trust in the Lord and wondering how many ways I could attempt to bring on labour.

Morning soon arrived and we started the day super early at the chiropractor. I felt sure if anyone would be able to get baby to turn, it would be my chiro. He adjusted my stiff hip (instant relief) and together we mused how incredibly active this wee boy is, with his octopus limbs and unwillingness to stay still long enough to engage in any position that indicates an imminent arrival.

And as we left, I felt as deflated as they come.

All day my mind turned back to the little sermon Tim had preached me the night before. The decision I have to trust the Lord, or to fall into my emotions and weariness. Id like to say I managed it successfully today, but there were moments where I blinked back some tears and sighed.. and moments where I remembered who my Lord is.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills, whence does my help come from" Psalm 121.

How easy to fall victim to fear and despondency, when circumstance is not what we wanted.
How great to realise there is a God who is BIGGER than it all.

Musings at full term.

As I lay in bed asleep last night, I felt Sam reach over and tenderly hold my hand. Sweet man. I whispered to him "you okay?". His response? "um yeah". And I ask "Im keeping you awake?". "um yeah".
Im not sure why?..
I mean, he's only sleeping next to a woman with a bowling bowl/ heater wedged to her front, throwing off every blanket in sight and stealing every pillow in an attempt to somewhere wedge the weight just perfect ;)
I drift back to sleep till 3am when in kick thats pregnancy insomnia, a part of a woman's brain that says "I know you have to push out a baby sometime very soon, but lets get up and ya know, practise being awake"

So after getting up for a glass of cold milk, staring blankly into the fridge and deciding that I will once again eat what I always eat at that time.. a small bowl of greek yoghurt with some nuts and a few raisins scattered over the top (which despite being a ritual, I still ponder what I will eat!).. and then check the weather report with trepidation. What I want to see is rain cloud. Cloud cover. A temperature dip perhaps? Nope. High 20's for the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy, or however long this eternity of 'full term' lasts.

After a while, the cool night air convinces me it would be awesome to go into labour NOW and I sit with a few Braxton Hicks, willing them to turn into something more, ya know, painful. I pump myself for the task and take to the stairs to do some silent squats. By squat ten I think "um, nah, Im going back to bed". I wander back and lie on my left side (turn baby turn) and re arrange myself as tidily as I can, and try not to wake Sam up. I contemplate snuggling into him but junior is now kicking and likely to keep him awake.. so I lie there with my hand feeling every kick and feel emotional that Im going to miss this amazing miracle within. And that hey, being full term pregnant forever, is not so bad.

Then I play a little mental game with myself. "What things will I do tomorrow to distract myself, play with the kids and be a happy creative and patient waiting mummy?. I decide we will walk around the Mount and then have ice creams. Then I think about being half way around the Mount and labour kicking in and having to get some stranger to deliver the baby with no sterilised spot in sight. Maybe not.
So instead I decide that in the morning, in a more realistic head space, I will make a 'baby countdown calendar' with something every day to do thats fun with the kids... before concluding "who am I kidding, Nanny and Grandpa's pool is my happy place right now. We'll just stick to that".

Eventually after dreaming up some elaborate meal to cook for the following nights dinner (because these days Im ravenous and just want decent healthy food), sleep kicks in again. Come morning, Im woken up to a little hand (or 4) tenderly rubbing my head, whispering in my air quiet questions "mummy, can I have a biscuit for breakfast?" or "mummy, can I have a snuggle" or "mummy, would you like a coffee?"....

and I look at their blinking wee morning eyes, their sweet lil faces and tenderness and it hits me. ENJOY THE NOW. Because this, right here, is the brink of happy anticipation. Being a mummy, and about to become a mummy once more. All its aches, discomfort, fatigue, the whole lot... is building to the real end that once more, I will know Gods grace and favour more intimately as a new little life comes into the world. A life thats His, a life thats mine to gladly sacrifice for.

Dear Baby Boy. You are hugely anticipated. By all of us. I pray God graces me here now, and in the days to come, with a joy of waiting and a joy of fulfilment as you come into our lives and make us HUGELY RICHER just by being you.

To my baby boy

Youre due in a few weeks. Apart from finding nights rather uncomfortable, Im content that you are still where you are.
Daddy asked me last night what its like when you have your body back.. and the truth is, its fantastic, and its a grief. For weeks afterwards I instinctively put my hand to my belly and realize there are no feet there to feel, no kicks to giggle at. Ive loved that most about this pregnancy. My hands have been glued to you, your form, your movements. Ive cuddled you a thousand times over from the outside in.
Im going to miss that as much as holding you in my arms is going to break the ache ten fold.

In every pregnancy Ive learnt something new. I was thinking this morning how I would define what 'new' thing this pregnancy has taught me.
Funny enough, I came back to a word that God gave me a year ago, when we were praying about you. "Enlarge".

Our hearts have enlarged to know youre coming. You havent yet taken a breath of air, yet you have enlarged the capacity of our dreams, our home, our functioning, our joy. Perhaps mostly so in Daddy.

Conversations that we have make me smile. He was thrilled to choose you a pram, and I wish you could have seen him wandering around Baby City asking me if there was anything else we needed, his evident excitement of you soon to be in our lives. He asked me last night why I needed a night light in the lounge area upstairs, because of course, you will sleep in a bassinet beside us. I told him "oh you know, so we can move you into the lounge and I can nurse out there"... to which he replied "no, I want him right beside us, so I can listen to all his sweet noises".

Those things are considered an inconvenience in our world. Broken sleep, a pram to wheel around, a pacifier to clean, a life of little messes to raise and train. Yet as daddy and I stand at the brink of this new adventure, weve also looked back and reflected how quickly the years pass... and how having you enlarges our ability to enjoy all the wonder of it, all over again.

Sweet boy, I love you so much. We love you so much.
Cant wait to kiss your sweet lil nose.
xxxx

The thrill of hope!...

Pockets of Hope...

I sat down yesterday and finally began to assemble the Advent Calendar Id printed off Belle and Boo.
Its pretty cute!.. I mean.. take a look at it!!

There are 25 bags to print, each with its own utterly sweet image and then you glue it into a little bag which you fill with whatever you fancy.

Okay, so granted I was 11 days late, or so, on this one. But I had already purchased the chocolate window pre made ones back in November. We dutifully opened those on Dec 1st after a couple of weeks of patient waiting on the kids part. Somehow, come a week or so into it, those windows got emptied one morning. It wasnt the act itself that cracked me up, but the guilty confession that followed when first, daughter, woke me up and showed me all the windows, 'lights on' and glistening back at me their empty wee plastic inner.

I laughed. My laughter beguiled the time waiting for test results.. the quiet fears I held that I had developed gestational diabetes with this pregnancy.. just like I had when I was pregnant with my firstborn. And what that meant, for me, for baby and how the weeks to come would look like.

Finally, this week I got my first results back. Yup, high.
And I had a choice to make with my emotions.

I sat in the car a few moments and collected my thoughts and asked myself some questions about how I might respond that day. Admist all the other demands, I had now to fit in more blood tests, a scan, specialist appointments and decisions on whats best for baby.. right on Christmas. Add that to no sugar in the diet and careful calculating of what Im eating, exercise, wrapping up homeschooling.. oh and 4 precious bundles who need me functioning.
Dont even get me started on the post partum fears and complications and the expressing off colostrum 4 times a day so as to prepare baby for a healthy start on life.

There was just one thing that day - I couldnt lose it. Not right then. Not in that moment. I needed to delve into a place of peace that required me to do that which goes above my human logic: Grab from the moment, the peace, the hope, the confidence, the belief that God really does work ALL things for good... in a Christian sense, rip open the advent window of faith that was mine, for just today. And not just today, but tomorrow too, and the days after that.

So as I went about that afternoon, functioning somewhat normally, I told my fears again and again "God really does work all things for good, dont you worry!".

Instead of dwelling on the fears, the expected appointments and how they will dominate life, I planned life around those things. I might have just been tempted to put treats in the sweet Belle and Boo bags.. but instead each one holds a neat family activity each day, just to celebrate life together, before baby arrives: tenpin bowling, movies, swimming, picnics, parks, light trail, crafts, just to name a few.

Suddenly theyre more than just sweet advent bags to me, but a reminder of how God wants us to face life. Not with dread, or worry about whats in store. But the hope that REGARDLESS of whats going on in our circumstances, Gods grace, love and hope is more than enough. That He has a joy and promise for us each day, that is sufficient to our needs. That He is working good, even when we cant see it.

For I know..

Ive been meditating this week on Jeremiah 29:11.. "For I know the thoughts I think towards you says the Lord, thoughts of peace.."

I went to the park yesterday with the kids. One we hardly visit. I took my journal and while they ran, explored and played, I sat on the park bench and pondered the verse Id been meditating on that week. 1 John 14:20 "... and I will reveal myself".

The sun shone down on my back, warming my soul and I quietly marvelled at how the big lingering cloud of grey held back. For a while I glanced over my shoulder and considered how much time we'd have before it hit... and after a while, I stopped looking. It was as if something held it back.

So we went home, an hour or so later, my soul richer.

Today was a full day, busy, and I could feel my body telling me it was tired. The verse Id chosen for meditating this week is Jeremiah 29:11. Its one of those verses where you just kinda think is pretty Christian cliche. But I wanted to allow it to seep into my soul afresh.

Come 4pm I looked at the mess around me. Homeschooling tasks to wrap up, dinner to prep, toys to pop away, tired kids to organize and a thought popped into my mind "why not go back to that park?". I reasoned it away.. no time.. and then Tim came to me "mum, can I earn some money?"... and there was that prompting again "why not go back to the park and then when you get home, get his help to cook dinner?".
I didnt argue with it twice.

We got down to the park and there I spotted it. My journal. Sitting untouched, unharmed, on the park bench where I had unknowingly left it the day before. I hadnt yet missed it...

but God knew...

Suddenly Jeremiah 29:11 came to life "For I know the thoughts I think towards you Fleur".

Have you ever stopped and considered why it doesnt simply say "I think towards you, says the Lord". Why add "For I know the thoughts"?...

Gods thinking towards us is not accidental. That 'knowing' is an intimate knowing. A purposeful, intentional investment of love, time and energy. Not only that, but He purposefully thinks towards us PEACE. His heart towards us is the calm, rested, balanced, healthy, unharried, quiet stillness, in everything we face.

I considered again my journal. I hadnt even known it was missing yet, but God knew and as I considered why He'd even bother to prompt and direct my afternoon to a second visit to a park the Words came to mind "I've got you covered".

He does have us covered, in EVERY situation we face...

That relationship that seems too complicated?
That health problem that wont go away?
That car issue that needs your attention?
That decision that your wondering how to make?
That conversation that you know you need to have? ......

He's there whispering "Peace. Ive got you covered."