Thursday 23 January 2014

Not for you to know my dear...

Have you ever really wanted to know something, and then regretted later that you knew it at all? I think its the plight of our flesh and womanly quest for power. Rather than being content to simply trust Gods leadership, listen to His cautions, rest in His knowing, we become our own little FBI elite force. Oh Ive been there, so for your hilarity, let me incriminate myself. Sam and I were newly weds. Happy, pregnant with our first born. We'd done everything in the right time and way according to Gods best and life was good. Sam had told me anything and everything there was to know before marrying him, in relation to prior relationships and if they held any impact on our marriage. The information was complete, but well, simple. In fact, a little dull - if you were looking for juicy reasons to disqualify him or some tid bits to hold him in punishment, you'd come out disappointed. One day, bored at home, I decided to trifle through Sams drawers in the search of something. I dont think I was searching for anything other than knowing what this man of mine was like, what things did he keep, what writings and letters and photos held value in his life, enough to be stored? But in reality, my searching had a little underlying motive.. the "need to know" motive. I smiled as I worked my way through his drawer... until.. I found an insurance evaluation and photo of an engagement ring. And it wasnt MINE!. I puzzled over it and wondered why on earth he would never have told me that he'd planned on asking someone else to be his wife. Wounds of rejection and fear of the unknown crept over me. What other secrets did he have? What else didnt I know? And where WAS this ring? I dont remember the rest of the day, I probably went about it like Queen All Knowing while trying to swallow off that bit of apple Id chewed. When Sam did come home, I popped the evidence under his nose with a look that said "youre sprung". He sighed a little and then replied with some amount of disappointment "you silly, that was a surprise for you, Id bought that ages ago and was going to store it away and surprise you with it one day, maybe 20 years from now". It would be fair to say I felt more than a little stupid. Of course I grilled him as to WHY men would buy a diamond ring to pop away for 20 years. The idea was lost on me then. Now I get it. Sam has no need for instant gratification and for him, love is proven in faithfulness. To present something that he'd brought years ago in the youthful joy of budding passion, and to present it later in the mature light of proven love, was the epitomy of romance. I gave him a little insight into the how daft that was on me, why waste a good diamond in a drawer for all those years :) And although he consented to me wearing the ring a little later, on my finger it served as a wee reminder to me "Dont go biting into that apple Fleur". I'll admit, thats hard. Knowledge equals power. It equals entitlement and rights and confidence. Or does it? A truly dignified woman doesnt need to know. She doesnt need to search through her husbands cellphone to ensure he is being faithful (been there, done that - not with even a fraction of a valid reason to need to either! Poor sweet guy!). She doesnt need to scroll through Facebook pages trying to link up the status updates and find the ones that apply to her. (Been there too). She doesnt need to hear that piece of gossip to formulate her mind on whats right or wrong. Or to "pray for that person". She doesnt need to ensure she is in the 'in' crowd so that she has opportunities. Her security is not in who she knows or what she knows. In fact she usually stands out like a beacon, because in the quiet reverance of her life, she seems peaceful no matter what. There is no place I see this better learned than in walking through emotional pain. Injustice, sorrow, grief, rejection. Its hard, its stripping, its real, and without the cast or bandage to prove. And guess what? God is God, and He can, if He wanted, take it all away in a moment. No ifs or buts. Its not an inch too hard or beyond Him. Im not saying He orchestrates it, or that his emotions are separate from it. I believe He grieves and weeps when his children hurt. But if God does not take it away, I can rest in knowing, that He is using it to achieve something far greater in me. The temptation for me is to therefore ask "God, WHAT are you possibly up to?". I want to start searching through the draw of knowledge, and Im like Eve.. "if I know, then I will be like God". The flesh in me really desires the knowledge to decide if I like what this is bringing about in me. I want control, I want to stay the umpire of my own life. And then I see God giving me that look "you silly, that was a surprise for you". Are you content to leave the knowing in His hands? What is it that you are demanding to know? Where are you playing untrusting FBI on? I can tell you, that if you are in anyway on the search for knowledge convinced that it will put you in the position of all knowing judge and jury on whats good for you.. that youre likely going to be left chewing a piece of apple thats far too much for you. Instead, whatever your quest for knowing, would you be content instead to rest it into the hands of a loving God and say "I dont know God, I have these womanly intuitions, I have these ideas, but God, you lead me". If then He places any knowledge in your path, you can mark my words, the knowing will be marked by the peace. And you will walk through it with a dignity fit for royalty.

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