Beyond earthly logic

Its hard to define the past week. Ive felt tired, for varying reasons.

We made a huge decision to travel back to the UK in a couple of months, with the oldest and youngest of our kiddly winks, to see Sams Nans 100th. Then Sam got news that the lump on his eyelid and his shoulder are both Basal Cell Carcinoma's and will need them both cut out. Then there is the sense of change in Sams workplace and the dynamics that need attending to. I had a homeschooling exemption to write this weekend, admist booking plane tickets, accommodation, sorting out details and trying to juggle sick kids in amongst it all.
And that just kind of touches the surface really...

Im meant to be training for a trail run in July and a half marathon in August, I have homeschooling goals and objectives that need my attention, along with accounts, emails and birthdays to organise. Friends going through big stuff and relationships that I need to love on. My kids are in dire need of a sense of routine that actually realistically matches the demands on us right now, and Im behind on meeting the goals Ive set for character growth. Amy is being toilet trained in the midst of it. Nate needs a little surgical operation. 2 are on antibiotics and 2 on creams, and each need the reminder of how much they are loved.

The house needs to be decluttered, systems need refining, the pantry needs sorting, the kids wardrobes need re organzing. My learning room needs time to reflect a place of order, my sewing room sits neglected.

And its not that I can just sweep in with my priority list and break it all up into bite size pieces and attack it with methodical brilliance. Oh Id like to, given half the chance... but I hear my Father calling...

for beyond the abilty to ration out my time, to seize the moment is this call in my heart... the one thing that echoes above it all is the resounding call... PRAY PRAY PRAY...

¹⁶ Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5

It defies a sense of earthly logic. And yet He calls me to it.

Prayer lifts my soul out of the demands and expectations of the now. It lifts my focus off me, off my own perspective, off the limits of my human and weak flesh and onto His faithfulness. Prayer believes upon a God who can heal, who can multiply the hours of my day, who can refresh and restore. Prayer calls upon the hordes of heaven to act on my behalf in my home, in my schooling, in my relationships and plans. Prayer aligns my priorities and goals to those of heaven. 

Do I really think that it can make that great a difference in the chaos and busyness of the now? Ask my soul! My soul beats "yes, yes, yes". My heart dances to the tune of a maker who sings "I am". My flesh waits upon a God who has worked marvels in the past, and who isnt finished with me yet!

On my knees I will change the pattern of today and days gone by. On my knees I will wrestle and grasp a vision and passion for a Life that is more than just what I taste. On my knees I fall in love with my Heavenly Father. On my knees my heart is quieted, my demands stilled, my eyes are lifed unto Him.

Oh Father, let my life honour you. I will pray.

 Effectual, fervent prayer is how God changes this world and bestows upon it the beauty, grace and power that He purchased at the cross.”
 Leslie Ludy

His radiance...

Yesterday I ran around the Mount in the early morning. As per usual, my head was down, my mind entirely focussed on one foot in front of the other.. and so I journeyed the entire route. I planned to do it again a second time, only suddenly my focus was caught by the sight in front of me. The risen sun was still blazing orange in the horizon, highlighting the ship in front of it, into a flaming glory, and I couldnt make my feet to move beyond it. I plonked myself in front of it contentedly. The smell of waffles filled the air from the cafe across the road, busy early risers exercised back and forth around me. I felt Jesus whisper to me "Talk to me". Oh where to begin Father. Its been too long. How can I talk to you Lord every day, and yet not 'talk'? How can I go about so many weeks and days in a sense of striving, or is it just a shallow acceptance of status quo? How did I so miss that knowing that my heart beats in time with Yours?
And I hear you command me again.. ALL!. I know it already, I know that there can be nothing else besides you, I know  I need you more than anything.
My heart comes once again into the fullness of Your glorious light and like that ship, I know Im lost in your radiance, that your all consuming FIRE must burn in me completley. And it does. And I find myself at your feet again, my heart lost once more in a love that I dont deserve.
Thankyou Father for not leaving my heart in that shaded space, to not letting me be anything but %100 lost in you.

Blessed are the insulted..

Ive wrestled with Matthew 5 a huge amount this past week.
The Bible says ^{(Matt 5:11)} “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you".
Ive wrought hard in my spirit to not just swallow it, like some candy coated pill, but to chew it. To taste it all. Its apparent bitterness and its goodness.
And I admit, its not the easiest to swallow. Somehow, finding myself setting up camp in this training field when I was hoping to avoid it, just doesnt make me want to jump for joy. Not in my flesh anyhow.

So I found myself reading over that verse tonight again, and chewing it through. "Blessed?".. did I read that right? Okay, so whats my blessing? .... Eternal reward.

I am going to be straight. Looking from earthly perspective at the insults that come our way, one is quite entitled to means of self justification, anger, resentment, bitterness, ill thought and revenge. Insults can undermine the very nature of who you are, and then they occupy all your energy in self preservation and self analysis. The thing is, that just doesnt look 'Blessed'. And I for one arent particularly lifted by the idea of waiting till Ive departed, till I am treated right and can see a reward that might come out of it. 

Its been my experience that insults and revilement have the tendency to cause me pain, not just emotional pain, but like a pain in the pit of my stomach, like Ive been punched in the guts, or stabbed in the chest. And the moment I feel that pain, I try to wrap myself up. I can hear the self preservation voices yelling "retreat retreat" and the self doubt voices saying "they might be right" and the condemnation voices whispering "you deserved it, you are nothing". 

Recognising it for what it is, is step one of the battle. Its a tactic of the enemy. A clever one, he uses believable people. Even people you respect and love. He delivers it in such a nice package, you take it, and you dont question that it smells sour.. I mean.. how could it be sour, when it comes from someone so dear? Discern its source. If it reeks of condemnation, confusion, hopelessness, accusation... its every bit likely, it hasnt come from the Lord. 

His Word says: 'My sheep know my voice'. I have tasted first hand, that I am never so close to God, as when the wolf is trying to attack me. I find myself running back to the Shepherds feet and hiding in Him, listening to His voice, so I can be soothed by the strong resonating hum of the truth of His Word.. ("Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me"). 

Truly, if the insults lead me closer to Jesus.. than yes, I am blessed! Blessed far beyond what I could know. What could be sweeter, than to be closer to Him?! xx

Ready to obey..

I have a dear wonderful friend who takes Amy for 2 mornings a week while I homeschool. Yesterday morning, I was in the midst of writing something up when God prompted me to pray for their safety. It wasn't fearful or fretting.. I just obeyed. When it came time to pick Amy up, they weren't home yet and running late. They had taken a wee bus ride that morning and their bus had sideswiped a van door, taking out the wing mirror. It wasn't a major, apart from the irate van driver whose language was less to be desired, even though at fault. Fear didn't even enter my heart. It was simply one of those "hmm, I wonder" moments.

I wonder what time I prayed.. I wonder what time it happened..
I wonder what God knew that I didnt..
I wonder that He cares enough to prompt me..
I wonder what promptings I havent listened to...

As a mum, its so easy to start the day with a running list of 'to do's'. To wake up and instantly consider "whats on the schedule for today". In my often sleep deprived state, I tend towards considering "have I enough within, to meet what today holds?". I havent ever concluded yes once, in fact, I arrive at the same answer every single morning "today Lord, I need You".

Schedules, routines and organization are important. In my homeschooling world, they keep life turning over. They enable me to keep some order to our lives. But there is no point in trying to achieve any measure of external order, any measure of external achievement, if my heart hasn't aligned itself first to the truth that today is a new day, and it belongs to Him. I dont just need Him to tag onto my plans, I need Him to fill my life. I need His Spirit to prompt me, to whisper to me "this way". I need His promptings "pray now".. and I need to be ready.

I notice that as soon as I have lost my inner peace, my external world seems chaotic, no matter how much I invest into order. My home might be perfectly clean, but the kids pick up my stress and fretting, and there is discord. Equally, my home can be chaos, but if my heart is aligned with Him, there is a sweet tune in our home that exists even in the noise and chaos.

Yesterday reminded me how much I need Him. How much I need to start each day asking Him "how can I live today for you?", to pray and seek His face, to be ready for the small promptings "this way",.. to be ready to obey.

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

60 more days!

In 60days it will be our 10th Wedding Anniversary. Ive been so looking forward to celebrating it with Sam. Celebrating dreams come true, a richer love, knowing each other deeper,  4 beautiful children.. so many wonderful reasons to reflect with smiles upon the 'goodness that has followed us'. Weve ticked off many of our plan list together. There is a measure of fulfillment of "ahhh, this is as we hoped".
But there exists within me an excitment for a new chapter ahead.this year has also marked for me in many ways, a stirring, the anticipation of more. It wasnt that I expected more externally, yet within, I hoped and prayed for more. For more of Jesus, for a life lived more dependent on Him. For a joy that springs from something unshakeable. For a clarity in our vision. For a chapter in which I knew nothing of its contents, or its ending.
And God has heard my cry.
These past few months, my life has felt, well, sifted. Sometimes the things that have come up, have hurt to the core. Sometimes Ive physically ached as Ive wrestled it through. Ive laid awake many nights, talking through matters with my Maker. But there's just been this, well, hope. This unmistakable knowing that though my life is being harrowed, though the ground is being turned over, that out of this, a harvest can surely come.
Im undoubtedly nervous, but greater still, Im hopeful. Im expectant of Him who can turn water into wine, who knows my deepest desires, who fashions me fit.
Im expectant of a God who can take our ordinary family, warts and all, and mould us into something sharp and strong for His glory.
Ive started running and exercising this week. Just as my soul is in training, I want my body ready for whatever He has in mind. I want my life disciplined and fit for the purpose for which He wants it outpoured. Oh Lord, mark our anniversary, not by human affection, romance and tenderness (though all are lovely), mark it with a heavenly hope, a glorious taste of the eternal, a love for You that surpasses all.

A harvest of peace

I was reading in the Word this morning, how God disciplines us and that at the time, it seems painful, but later produces a harvest of righteousness and peace.
I reflected for a moment upon the evidence of this in my life, and I smiled.
There have been seasons in my life, where I see Jesus has allowed pain. I surely have and did question "why?", but there is no denying the fruit that was produced there. Knowing His character, and that He is unchanging, produced in me peace, when my world was being shaken up.
And as the years went by, it produced also joy.
An unalterable joy.
I began to see how His discipline and wrought in me, where I had allowed it, a knowing of His truth and purity. Where I had let the pain cause me to align myself to Gods Word, it had produced fruit. And the knowing of it, made me wish I could go back to the painful season and shout from the sidelines "hold back nothing Fleur, give it all youve got". His faithfulness had drawn me to myself, and saved me from myself. And I see evidence of His favour, blessing. A 'heaven on earth' that is mine.

Less of me...

Its been pressing upon my heart lately, staring me in the face often.. my insecurities, doubts and questions beckon me to admit that I will never see the power of Christ if there is ME seeking my own worth there. I faced it again this week as I often leave the presence of someone dear to me, feeling inferior. I know boundaries are important but the bigger question is: do I seek my value there? See, if I were really consumed with the wanting to allow Christ to work His blessing out of me, my mind would not dwell upon what I am worth, or what treatment I feel I deserve. And as I presented my worries before God once more, I knew the answer before I asked.. John 3 He must increase, but I must decrease.
"how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!" In Jesus Christ alone, will I find the abundance of grace and the gift. And he must reign! 
I guess too often I see in myself and those around me, the tendency to hold dear to our own feelings and our sense of worth, value and belonging, at the cost of the power and presence of Jesus. I heard someone tell me this week "I would love to be involved in that ministry, but I dont feel like Im 'there' yet". I knew what that person meant, but it was so contrary to the truth.. we will never arrive, we will never meet the mark, and by what do we measure being right for ministry? Ive been party to this lie many a time but its a falsehood, a deception which is hidden under a bigger and more ugly truth we dont like to admit: that we are simply proud and pleasure seeking sinners who are nothing but for Christ. If being 'in ministry' demands the discipline and self sacrifice that hearts tell us it does, are we shy of beating our flesh into submission for His sake? Often we are... and why? because the vision, the true miracle of the Cross grows dull in us. When we see Him face to face, when we behold with our own eyes the scars, the lamb, the sorrow and our Saviour, our minds will realise what our hearts always knew.. that we are so very nothing, and our giving our lives for Him is the least we could do. Lord, let that truth burn in us now... so we can stand before you and see the pleasure of Your face on that day.